Things I Learned At The Hospital


So I had to have an ultrasound this afternoon to see if I have more kidney stones. While my midsection was covered in gel I started talking to the ultrasound tech. AS ONE DOES.

Me: "Best and worst ultrasounds?"

Her: ...?

Me: "Like best would be ultrasounds of babies -- everybody's all excited and happy, 'Is it a boy or a girl?' That kind of thing."

Her: "Unless there's some kind of defect. That's always awful."

Me: "So babies are like the best AND the worst."

Her: "Livers."

Me: ...?

Her: "Livers are the best. It's really fun to see the blood flow through a liver. So interesting. I like doing livers."

Me: "Huh. I would never have--"

Her: "Hold your breath. Hrm." *presses me hard in the kidney with the transducer* *lots of beeps as she saves a bunch of images* "Balls."

Me: ...!

Her: "Er. Scrotums. They're the worst. NOT from our end, because it's just another body part to us. But--"

Me: *turning a little blue* 

Her: "--it's just. Oh, you can go ahead and breathe now. Breathe whenever you need to."

Me: *takes a deep breath* "So the worst is..."

Her: "Yeah." *shrugs* "Nobody likes having that done."

© C.C. Finlay 2017